Why Should I Work Toward a Healthy Marriage?
Results of an Unhealthy Marriage
The default outcome of marriage is either divorce or a state of "married separation."
Let me restate that so it's crystal clear: If you simply act on your natural feelings, tendencies, and impulses, marriage will end in physical & emotional separation (and likely divorce).
 |
| Image generated by ChatGPT on 23 Sep 2024 |
These statements are not meant as discouragements to marry, or to instill fear in anyone who is contemplating marriage. Quite the opposite! I encourage people to pursue marriage because the benefits & rewards are wonderful!
But the statements above are intended to shine light on the gravity and importance of putting effort, energy, time, and money into your current (or future) marriage relationship; because if you don't make that investment, you will not reap the full benefits and rewards.
How to Have a Healthy MarriageLet's think about the "investments" I mentioned above as the "how" part of the marriage equation, which is clearly important! And you will find articles on The Devine View that address the "how" (more are being posted regularly to the Family section of the site).
My wife and I will share insights that we have learned in our 17+ years of marriage. Think of these insights as tools that can be used to solve problems, fix issues, build new things, or reinforce existing things in the marriage.
 |
| Image generated by ChatGPT on 23 Sep 2024 |
But let's get to the point of this article!
In order to successfully live the how, we need to lay the foundation of why.
Why to Have a Healthy Marriage
Believe it or not, there are incorrect or bad motivations for pursuing a healthy marriage. These motivations are generally self-centered.
Please take a moment or two to reflect on why you and your spouse claim to want a healthier, happier marriage. Focus on the motives and intentions in your heart / mind, and be brutally honest. It's easier than you might think to get this wrong.
For sake of illustration, several are listed below with explanations.
Bad Motivations
1) Appearances:
Doing "happily married couple" things together should not be for the purpose of portraying your marriage as "beautiful" and "wonderful" to everyone who is watching. And while I use and enjoy social media regularly, be warned that social media has made this problem easier to fall into.Of course, exceptions exist for these findings; and posting regularly to social media does not mean you have a bad or unhealthy marriage! But perhaps you should do a personal reflection on why you're posting so much. Is it benefiting your marriage?
And even if you're not a heavy poster on the socials, you may still have this issue, just the old-fashioned version where you parade your beautiful-looking marriage in front of strangers, friends, and family--yet they have no idea what your marriage is really like.
Notice the focus in this situation: it's not on your spouse; it's on you and other people you're (apparently) trying to impress.
2) Competition/Comparison (with other married couples):
Have you ever felt compelled to do something together as a couple simply because another couple that you know did that thing?Even if you don't post it online for everyone to see, it's still unhealthy to use your spouse and your marriage relationship as a method of "keeping up" with your friends, peers, colleagues, etc.
Notice the focus in this situation: it's not on your spouse; it's on you and other people you're (apparently) trying to impress.
3) Outside Pressure (familial, religious, etc.):
Many couples experience pressure from their surrounding community to develop and maintain a healthy, happy marriage. That can be a good thing, as long as it doesn't become the primary motivator. So, make sure you keep it in check.
Notice the focus in this situation: it's not on your spouse; it's on you and other people you're (apparently) trying to appease / satisfy.4) Making Yourself Happy:
This may seem counterintuitive, maybe even controversial. I get it. Many people believe that the purpose of life is to be happy; so, it's logical to assume that my top priority in a relationship should be to ensure my happiness, right?
But marriage is a bit of a paradox, because if making myself happy is priority #1, that will, by definition, put my needs and desires ahead of my spouse's; and that will create an unhappy spouse, which will eventually lead to an unhappy me.
Intentionally doing things that are counterintuitive is one of the keys to success in many areas of life, which is a good hint that many times our intuition is, to put it bluntly, wrong.
The common thread in these bad motivations is they are self-centered.
Now let's take a walk through some of the good motivations for having a healthy marriage.
Good Motivations
The common thread in these motivations is they are focused on meeting the needs of others and fulfilling the purpose of marriage.
1) Commitment
I start with this because it's so basic that it can easily be overlooked. Marriage begins with a set of vows, promises, or commitments.
And what do couples commit to at their wedding?
Wedding vows can be different for everyone, but I think it's fair to say that the general intent behind all of them is telling that other person that you commit to be with them for the rest of your lives. And it's assumed that neither of you are hoping for a miserable life together; thus, you are committing to pursue happy, fulfilling lives together.
Ephesians 5:31 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
This is pivotal to success in marriage, because you encounter time after time after time when you do not feel like forgiving, helping, caring, supporting, encouraging, or serving your spouse. You will feel quite the opposite--like you want to lash out, hurt, get back, take vengeance, insult, ignore, and separate. Yet, we should be motivated to do the loving things because that is what we promised to do.
2) Completion
It's difficult to write this type of article without sounding cliché at times. But yes, the next good motivator is becoming "complete" or "whole" through your relationship with your spouse.
Pause here for a minute. Single people are not necessarily incomplete! And it's not my place to decide who is supposed to be married and who should not!
However, I believe some people are intended (by God) to be married at specific times in their lives; and during those timeframes, completing the purpose and plan for their life is contingent on being in a healthy marriage with their spouse.
Therefore, allowing my marriage to diminish into a cold, transactional type of relationship will prevent me from completely fulfilling the purpose of my life.
This applies to all areas of life that you believe God is calling you into, whether business, academics, parenting, ministry, career, charity, etc. In other words, if God has called you to be married, and you squander the marriage relationship, you will not fully achieve the purposes that He has in store for you and your family.
3) Legacy
Viewing humanity at a high level, I strongly believe that societies would be better off if the families that comprise each society were stronger and more grounded in love and kindness. You can call me utopian if you want, but better family lives would lead to overall betterment of humanity.
So, what can we (my wife and I) do to make a difference?We can leave a legacy.
We can model what a loving, fulfilling, and passionate marriage looks like for our children, their children (someday), and the other younger people who know us and are paying attention to us.
The greatest marriage guidance that people can receive is real-life examples. Books, articles (like this one), podcasts, and lectures are all good and useful; but they are theoretical, by definition. They propose ideas and perspectives; but only when those things are lived out & put into action do we see evidence.
4) Love
I John 4:7-8, 12 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us, and his love is perfected in us.
I hope I don't have to convince you that love is a noble calling and a great motivator. But let me be a bit more specific, since "love" can be interpreted several ways.
I believe marriage was designed (by God) to be the apex or culmination of human love, because it encapsulates all aspects of love in one union--general concern/care for another person, friendship, partnership, and passion (physical love).
The desire for love is inside of every human, and we ought to pursue it in spite the challenges of life or the shortcomings of those that we love. If you want love in your life, you must love.
Outro
This article covered a lot yet only scratched the surface, but let me encourage you to work on your marriage. Notice the word work. Think about it. Talk about it with people that you believe can guide you to a better marriage. Take action by following the advice, even if it's uncomfortable or goes against your feelings (because feelings are, in fact, not facts).
If you enjoyed this article, please share it with someone you know.
If you would like to continue the conversation about healthy marriage, let's connect online (see 'Connect' section on left sidebar).
