Parents: Apologize to Your Kids
Dear Parent,
It's obvious that your child is frustrating, otherwise you wouldn't have said or done that thing that you feel bad about. You didn't want to yell or call them "lazy," or "hopeless."
But, perhaps you did.
Like all other relationships in life, you have a choice about what to do next. You can double-down on the statement and say it's "true," or that they "deserved some tough love."
Or, you can swallow your pride and show your child what "real" apologizing looks like.
As confident as I am that you (as a parent) have done something worthy of this, I'm also confident that you have told one of your kids to apologize--perhaps to a sibling or a teacher. We tell kids regularly to "say you're sorry." And for good reason.
But how will they ever learn how to apologize at a level that is deeper than, "I'm sorry I got caught," or "I'm sorry because I was told to say that"?
The answer is, of course, you.
You are the "how."
When (not if) you have an opportunity to apologize to your kids, make sure you show them the best way, because they will remember this better than any lecture you've given!
Since I'm referring to a "best" way to apologize, let's discuss a few criteria for doing this.
Best Practices for Apologizing to Your Kid(s)
- If the offense was to one child, then apologize only to that child. If the offense was more public (multiple children), then apologize to all of them.
- Be specific about what you're apologizing for.
- Do not apologize for disciplining them appropriately. If you believe the consequence was appropriate and they are upset, this is not the time to apologize.
- Explain to them that you also struggle with emotions, and that is what led to your mistake/failure. This helps them understand that you are also human!
- Tell them that you wish you hadn't committed the offense (but use different words), and you will do your best to not do it again. This models to them what "sorry" means. It's not just a "thing people say," but it means something. It's a commitment.
- Do not try to defend your actions or turn the apology around on them. Their misbehavior is not a good excuse for your misbehavior!
- Apologize after both of you have had a chance to think about the situation and sort out what happened, but also do it within a short enough period of time (hours, days) that everyone involved can remember it.
