To Husbands & Dads

First of all, it's okay to admit that you're not doing well. 

Be willing to admit this occasionally so you can give yourself permission to do something about the thing(s) gnawing away at your core.

We all have different struggles, so I'm not pretending that I understand yours. You have almost certainly encountered difficulties greater than mine; but this isn't about me. It's about us. Regardless of how easy or difficult my life is, husbands and dads everywhere are struggling; and many of them are not getting any help.

Sadly, the end result of these situations is often something painful for the man himself, and usually for the wife and kids, if they're still in his life.

For example, many men choose to self-medicate the issue away by adopting lifestyles of over-consumption, drug use (including alcohol), explicit content, or simply pushing themselves away from everyone to ease the stress.

Even more extreme examples include divorce, abuse, self-harm, or other forms of violence. 

But where did it start?

Most likely, it started with a man that had intentions of making his wife and children happy, making himself successful, and living a meaningful life.

But as the headwinds of life pushed back on his goals and dreams, he found himself discouraged, frustrated, rejected, disrespected, left behind, overlooked, ignored, cheated, confused, or all of the above. 

Image generated by ChatGPT on 18 Nov 2024

Perhaps you or someone you care about is in this situation right now.

If so, here are a few pieces of helpful advice:

1. Identify the Cause

To the best of your ability, think back to when the consistently negative feelings and thoughts started. What triggered it?

Sometimes it's obvious that a traumatic or tragic event happened that was difficult to bounce back from. Other times the stimulus may be less apparent--more like "death by a thousand cuts."

Men often struggle with specifically identifying their feelings and articulating them. I'm not  a psychologist, so I'm not sure why that's true; but I am a man, so I know it is true.

If you are struggling to identify the cause, I recommend you find someone you trust to talk to. If this is the case, #1 and #2 can be done simultaneously.

If you are a Christian, I urge you to pray in these situations. God is waiting to help you, and He can certainly shed light on the underlying cause(s) of your struggle.

2. Get Help

Some men may see this point and immediately quit reading. To them, this is like waiving the white flag and admitting failure.

Logically, men understand that broken things need fixing. We are quick to diagnose problems with our dryer, garage door, car engine, etc. And occasionally we encounter problems that we recognize are beyond our DIY abilities. So, what do we do?

We call for help! But for some reason, calling a contractor to fix the furnace is easier for a man than calling a friend or therapist to help them with their mind.

Getting help is important because you are human, and you cannot possibly understand, control, or manage everything that life throws at you. 

Call a friend or family member. Speak to your pastor, mentor, or therapist.

Tell them how you're feeling. Find specific words to describe it, and don't leave out the parts of the story that make you look bad. You need to tell the whole story.

Also, pray.

3. Be Accountable

Whoever you reached out to for #2 is good person to be accountable to. If that's not possible, you'll need to find someone else you trust and share the situation with them.

Accountability is key because you have a tendency or disposition that makes you more likely to struggle again with the thing that's eating at you. 

If you simply resolve the issue and move on with your life like everything is fine, you will likely end up back in a similar position within months or a few years. 

4. Make Sustainable Changes

There is a pretty high likelihood that some, if not all, of the solutions to your struggle will involve changes in your habits and/or lifestyle.

For example, high anxiety levels may be externally driven, and you learned that removing those external stimuli was key to overcoming the anxiety.

Or your constant feeling of inadequacy was because you were comparing yourself to people on social media; and as a remedy, you cut out or severely cut back on social media.

Regardless of the action you took, you want to sustain them.

So, choose actions that are achievable for you on a regular basis and that you enjoy. 

Here are some changes I've made when I've struggled with emotional turmoil:

• Pray
• Exercise 
• Go outside 
• Eat healthy food
• Write (journaling)
• Drink enough water
• Listen to classical music
• Help/serve other people
• Avoid media designed to incite anger or malice

Outro

One of the scariest times in my life is when I realized that I was fully responsible for me and my family. That pressure is real and not to be ignored. 

Men often feel the "weight of the world" on their shoulders, yet they feel compelled to bear it alone. 

I hope this article encouraged some men to stop pushing alone. Yes, you can take some advice and make some changes, but the support you need (and want) is probably not too far away. Just ask.

If you would like to discuss more with me, let's connect online (see the 'Connect' section on the left sidebar).